List articles. They’re all over the Internet and they’re annoying. I think listicles (the industry term) are something that we all unanimously say we hate, but we secretly click on the links anyway. They’re just so damn seductive. One thing is certain, enough people must click on the links, for if no one clicked on them they wouldn’t dominate the Internet like they do. What fascinates me about them is that their content is almost always utter garbage (see BuzzFeed). And weirdly enough, the pages on which you find listicles are always submerged in ads. Now I’m not trying to start a wacky conspiracy movement here, I’m just saying I think there is a possibility that these articles may be more concerned with producing ad revenue than with putting out information or entertaining the readers. The reason why we keep clicking on them, I believe, is that there’s always the promise of something new, something more extreme, something even weirder, something that just has never been seen before. No one ever delivers on the promise, of course, but we’re gullible enough to keep trusting the empty promises of the listicle factories. It’s a tragedy.

     Anyway, my idea for this article was to make a mockery of listicles by presenting a topic so random that, surely, no one would have covered yet, in a listicle-like fashion. Typing ‘wd40 top 10 weird’ into Google proved me wrong. It has been covered loads of times, meaning my exaggeration was not at all an exaggeration. It has already become reality. (By the way, if you don’t know what WD-40 is then welcome to Earth and why do you keep doing anal probes on us when we sleep? Never mind.)

     Before I did the research I had already written a few paragraphs on WD-40 and I really didn’t want those to remain unused. So here are my 3 WEIRD Uses For WD-40 (THIS WILL BLOW YOUR MIND!!!):

  1. Want to spice up a stale salad? Simple! Just add two tablespoons’ worth of WD-40 to your standard Mediterranean salad dressing and I guarantee you’ll be killing it next time you cook for your SO! She’ll most likely be so impressed by your cooking skills that she’ll rip off all your clothes INSTANTLY and give you the handjob of your life!
  2. But, wait a second. What’s that? Oh no! Looks like you’ve run out of lube! I say, not a problem. Just use your most reliable friend in the blue and yellow can! Yes, that’s right! WD-40 is an excellent lubricant. Just spray some on your organ and you’re ready to go: All lubed up, INSTANTLY! Plus: no more squeaky condom noises during penetration! Oh the wonders of WD-40!
  3. Hold on. What’s that I hear? You accidentally blurted out another woman’s name as you were reaching climax and your loved one has left you forever and hates your guts and you feel depressed like never before because you were absolutely convinced that she was the one and you will never find someone like her ever again and you know you’re going to spend the rest of your life looking for someone who is sort of compatible with you until you finally give up and accept that you are going to die alone so you decide to just drink bleach until you pass out but then you notice that you’ve run out of bleach and it’s late and all the shops are closed? Well, you’ll be glad to hear that WD-40 is also an outstanding suicide method! Just insert the WD-40 Smart Straw into your mouth and go crazy. You will probably start coughing and spitting almost INSTANTLY, but let me reassure you, that’s completely normal. Just continue spraying the liquid down your throat until you lose consciousness and there you go! WD-40. Available in all good DIY stores. (I don’t know whether I’m legally bound to write this but I’m going to do it anyway just to be on the safe side: I don’t condone using WD-40 in any of the three ways described above.)

I think it’s hilarious that there are so many myths involving WD-40 that the manufacturing company has a designated page on its official website that covers popular myths and supposed bits of wisdom. Over the years it has become so iconic as to be irreplaceable. They say, for example, that if it moves and shouldn’t, you’re supposed to use duct tape, and if it doesn’t move and should, you’re supposed to use WD-40, which makes me wonder why WD-40 has not yet been advertised as a motivational device for couch potatoes.

     The other interesting thing about WD-40 is that almost no one seems capable of giving a neutral description of the product. In other words, very few people actually know what it is and how it works. The majority of people only know that it’s called WD-40 and that it works. Technically, the product is described as a penetrating oil and water-displacing spray, but who in the world would ever use that? I mean, WD-40 does have competing products. Still, literally no one has ever said or will ever say: “Honey, can you pass me the penetrating oil and water-displacing spray, please?” “What?!”, she replies bewilderedly, “you know sometimes I think you masturbate too much.”

     This has made me think about things that are always referred to by a brand name even if what people mean to give is a neutral product description. For example, I’ve heard people say iPad instead of tablet loads of times. I have never heard anyone use ‘hook & loop fasteners’ in my life. I know that people in the UK say Hoover instead of vacuum cleaner. There’s many more of these (I found 41 of them in a listicle entitled “41 Brand Names People Use as Generic Terms”). Taser instead of electroshock weapon. Jet Ski instead of personal watercraft. Styrofoam instead of expanded polystyrene. Stressed Out instead of ‘the worst fucking song ever recorded in the history of pop music’. Seriously, I can bear having to listen to Stressed Out once in a while. But I’ve now heard that song on the radio so often that it actually stresses me out to hear it. And I listen to the radio for about forty-five minutes a day at most. I want that song to die. I really hope that by the time anyone reads this, the band will have disappeared from the music scene completely and that no one will remember them. Basically, it’s my wish that none of what I’ve just written even makes sense to you. I know, it’s pretty niche comedy. Before I forget, the same goes for “I’ve got guns in my head and they won’t go…”. If I hear that song one more time I will have guns on my head and they will go… off. (Note to self: try to keep it light, for fuck’s sake)

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